THREE THINGS I LEARNT FROM MY WORST FAMILY CHRISTMAS

The worst Christmas I ever had was when I first left home many years ago. My partner and I bought our house two months before Christmas, but we both wanted to spend Christmas Day opening presents and eating dinner with our respective parents. My primary motivation was that my sister was having Christmas dinner with her boyfriend’s family for the first time. My parents seemed disappointed, so I didn’t want to also disappoint them by being absent as it was always such a big event in our family.

On Christmas Day, my partner and I loaded our car with gifts at about 11.30 am and set off to my parent’s house, arriving just after noon. I got my presents from the car, and he drove away to pick up his grandma en route to his family’s home in the country. He would return to my parent’s house in the evening to spend time with my family and me.

I saw my mother and father in the kitchen as I entered the house. They greeted me and said, “Happy Christmas!” Then I noticed they were doing the dishes. When I asked why they said it was because they’d already had dinner. They said we would have a proper celebration when my sister arrived in the evening. Then, they suggested I go and open my presents while they microwaved my dinner. Alone on the living room sofa, I opened my gifts. They came in briefly to open my presents to them, but both seemed distracted and uninterested. So I finished my Christmas dinner on my own while my mother went up to have a bath and go to bed to sleep for five hours. My father pottered around the house doing odd jobs before having a 3-hour nap on the other sofa for hours.

When my sister left home a few years previous, most of her belongings remained behind. It always seemed inconsiderate to me that she left her possessions. So when I moved out, I took everything I owned, every book, every CD and every DVD. I had nothing to entertain myself with. I lounged on the sofa watching crap Christmas TV (we only had 5 channels), miserable and bored, trying not to cry.

Then, finally, I rang my boyfriend around 2 pm, but he was stuck. While sympathetic, he couldn’t leave because his parents were an hour’s drive away from me. His family were sitting down to dinner at 3 pm. Then after dinner, his grandma wanted to spend some time with the family before he could drive her home. So it wouldn’t be fair to rush her away, and I didn’t want anybody else to have a miserable Christmas. I wasn’t in danger or walking the streets, I was safe and warm, so I just had to wait.

When we left our house that morning, I had no money or keys, so I couldn’t even call a taxi and leave. I was alone from 12 until 6 pm. It wasn’t just the boredom that bothered me. The lack of effort my parents seemed to want to put in “just for me” was upsetting.

When my sister arrived, I quietly told her what had happened, but she just laughed. Her reaction made me feel like I was being over dramatic, so I pretended everything was fine. I didn’t want to make a scene and didn’t know how to communicate my hurt to them, as confiding in one family member hadn’t helped. Plus, it was even more difficult as my family were the perfect hosts for my sister, her boyfriend and my partner. We had party food, opened presents together and played games. It was like the Christmas days we usually had.

What I learnt from that experience.

1) Parents Have Favourites

Some parents have a favourite child, no matter how much they deny it. I felt gaslighted as I knew my older sister was their favourite and always received preferential treatment. Possibly it was unconscious, and they simply could not see it. Yet they always had an excuse for discriminatory behaviour. This event confirmed my suspicions.

2) You Shouldn’t Have To Lie To Yourself To Make A Relationship Work

I pretended my parents and sister cared, but their behaviour towards me was proof. Unfortunately, I decided to believe my parent’s lie that they loved and treated their children EXACTLY THE SAME. Even though I knew it wasn’t true. Lying to myself and ignoring their toxic behaviour damaged my mental health to partake in the lie.

3) Family Is Not Everything.

It seems a cliche, but if someone can’t be bothered making an effort for you, that person does not deserve your time. A loved one can pay lip service to your face saying how much they care, but their actions will always betray their real motivations. Could I have talked to my parents about how upset I was? Possibly, but through previous experiences, I’d learnt it was tough to speak with my family about how I felt, especially when they were the source of pain. Raising any grievance was difficult and uncomfortable, especially as I was often dismissed. My family would get defensive, bringing up irrelevant things from years ago to deflect the point I would try to make. Then they would get offended, demanding apologies for causing a fight and upsetting them.

A few years after this incident, my father passed away. Over the next five years, my relationship with my mother and sister deteriorated to the point where we now have no contact. While I miss my family, especially as they were my only two relatives. I could not continue believing that they cared. No matter how much I wanted it to work, nothing I did was ever good enough. However, whenever I doubted whether cutting my family off was right, I remember this incident, which backs up my belief that I did the right thing.

As for my boyfriend, we are married and continue living happily.